Dick and Tom Investigate Turds

TOM - Dick, I’m glad you’re home.  You’ve been away weeks and the new issue is out soon and we’ve done no investigating whatso ever.  I’ve folded all your socks and counted them.  You’ve two pairs of grey socks and the pair you’re wearing.

DICK - Tom, I’ve been six weeks searching for Russian agents. I’ve been to pubs, clubs and bars. I’ve been working so hard I even had to visit massage parlours on more than one occasion, and all you’ve done is count my fucking socks!

TOM - I couldn’t really colour code them now could I?

DICK - Tom, I’m gonna lose my job as a secret squirrel agent with M.I.7.  I was eligible for gadget vouchers too.  I was gonna be an oo and everything.

TOM - I think oo is what you get with Typhoo Tea. 00 is what you want.

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DICK - Shut it twat face!  Pussy Galore would’ve come round if I was an oo.

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TOM - You shout at next door’s cat when he comes round.

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DICK - That’s ‘cos next door’s cat sprays up our front door.  Pussy Galore ain’t gonna spray up our door is she?  She’s a well classy slut who would use the bog and do lady wee and powder her nose and stuff.

TOM - I take it, judging by your bad mood and excessive use of the frying pan, you didn’t find any Russian agents?

DICK - What do you think?

TOM - Not one!

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DICK - Jeez, I do hope I get that deluxe Acme Tom slicer I asked Mr. Santa for.  So what’s our next assignment?

TOM - Well …

DICK - We have got one.  Right!

TOM - Well …

DICK - Tom!  Where’s my heavy duty frying pan.  You are gonna get such a mashing.

TOM - Dick.  Dick.  It ain’t my fault.  I asked our agent and he said, and I’m quoting his words; we’re a pair of wankers that couldn’t investigate our own turds, unquote.

DICK - That tosser said that did he?

TOM - He did Dick, and I think it’s a little bit rude.

DICK - Yeah but if you look at it from his point of view, I suppose it might look that way.  OK Tom, I’ve given this a full two minutes thinking, and I think that’s exactly what we should do.

TOM - What?

DICK - Investigate our turds.

TOM - Eh?

DICK - Well for a start, where do turds go?

TOM - Down the bog.

DICK - Yeah!  Yeah!  I know that, but where’s the bog lead to?

TOM - Dunno.

DICK - No Tom, nor do I.  OK Tom strip off.  You’re gonna find out.

TOM - What do yer mean?

DICK - You’re going down there.  Proper investigating.  You got us in the shit Tom, it’s only fair that you should get in the shit to get us out of the shit.

TOM - Eh?

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DICK - Strip!

TOM - It’s gonna be a bit whiffy down there.

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DICK - Get in there.  That’s it, head first.


TOM - You didn’t have to flush!

DICK - You’re always telling me that I should always always flush.  It’s not nice to leave floaters, Tom.  Isn’t that what you always say?  Anyway, I’m off down the pub.  I’ll come back later and see how our investigation is going.

DICK - So where do the turds go Tom?  What lies beyond the U-bend?

TOM - Well Dick, it’s very very stinky down there.  I had to hold my nose until I turned blue, but it’s amazing, I mean there’s loads of tunnels that go somewhere and …

DICK - Go where?

TOM - I dunno.

DICK - But that’s what you were supposed to find out you numpty.

TOM - No, ‘cos I was supposed to find out where turds go, and I know what happens to our turds.

DICK - What?

TOM - Well, there’s these white mousey-worms type creatures, they’re all spongy and stuff with a long skinny tail, and it’s my considered opinion that these creatures eat the turds.

DICK - Eh?  So how many legs they got?

TOM - Dunno Dick.  I never see any live ones, just dead’uns floating around.  Some of them must ‘ave been in right nasty fights ‘cos them ones were bloodied and stuff, and it’s my considered opinion that they probably had their legs bit off.  That’s why I come back.  They could be really vicious for all I know in my considered opinions and all.

DICK - Oh!  Dear.

TOM - What Oh!  Dear?

DICK - I don’t think they’re creatures Tom, I think they’re …

(Dick whispers in Tom’s ear)

TOM - Eh?

(Dick whispers in Tom’s ear again)


DICK - Yeah Tom.  It’s true.

TOM - Nah!  Nah!  ‘cos I brought one back with me to show you.  It’s in the fridge.

DICK - Just chuck it down the bog Tom.

TOM - Nah!  It’s a creature,  I gave it a little cuddle and everything ‘cos it was all sad looking at being a dead’un.

DICK - Tom …

(Dick whispers something else in Tom’s ear)

TOM - Where?

DICK - Just chuck it down the bog Tom and I’ll look at it later, ‘cos we’re both gonna have to go down there.  But we’re gonna need equipment and stuff, so let’s have a nice hot mug of Brussels sprout herbal tea and work out a list.

TOM - Will we need socks do you think?

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DICK - Torch?

TOM - Torch.  Check.

DICK - Wellies?

TOM - Wellies.  Check.

DICK - A ball of string?

TOM - A ball of string.  Check.

DICK - Rope?

TOM - Why do we need string and rope?  Anyway I couldn’t find any rope but I did manage to find this.

DICK - How many more times?  The string is for the poo and the rope is in case we have to do climbing or rescuing stuff, and what’s this?

TOM - Five yards of knicker elastic.

DICK - OK, that could work.  Bungee rescue.
Five yards of knicker elastic?

TOM - Five yards of knicker elastic.  Check.

DICK - Deodorant?

TOM - Dick, you are deffo not going to need deodorant down there.  It is well stinky down there.

DICK - I know it’s stinky down there, but what if we meet some ladies?  Tom, if we meet some ladies down there, I don’t want to be all stinky.

TOM - Deodorant.  Check.  Ooo, I’ve packed some extra pairs of socks just in case …

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DICK - Snorkel?

TOM - Snorkel.  Check.

DICK - Kendal Mint Cake?

TOM - Kendal Mint Cake,  Check.

DICK - Ladybird Book of Sewers?

TOM - Ladybird Book of Sewers.  Check.

DICK - And don’t forget your mousey-worm.  He! He!  You can release it back into the wild.

TOM - I didn’t know Dick.  I had no idea it was … you know, for … I deffo didn’t have a clue that it went …  Euck!  I’m confused.

DICK - Never mind Tom, perhaps when we get back you should go to the doctor and get some gold pills for confusion.  Let’s face it you’re a twenty four carat nutter alright.  A bit of gilding might help.

TOM - I think I will.  Do you take the gold pills?

DICK - Nah!  I’m on pills for me nerves, and that’s because I have to live with a twenty four carat nutter.  Right, we’ll have a slap-up brekkie, I’ve got some Coco Pop curry on the go, then we’ll be off.

TOM - So how we going to do this then?

DICK - Jeez, I’ve told you twenty times now.  I’m gonna do a big poo, then you tie the string around it so that when we flush we don’t lose it, then we flush ourselves down and follow the poo.

TOM - Like taking your poo for a walk?  Do you think we should take a poo scoop?

DICK - Eh?

TOM - If the poo that we are taking for a walk does a poo, should we clear it up?

DICK - I think you’re confusing poo walking with doggie walking.  Come on Tom, let’s eat up our Coco Pop curry whilst it’s still hot and get going.  I’ve a good feeling about this investigation.

TOM - How’s it going in there Dick?

DICK - Don’t rush me.  Don’t rush me.  It’s coming.  Oooo Yeah it’s coming.


Ahhhhhh!  Jeez, that was one hell of poo.  Come and see the size of this Tom.

TOM - Don’t flush.

DICK - Nah!  I won’t.  Just get in here and lasso this bastard will yer.

TOM - Why do I have to do that?

DICK - ‘Cos you’re in charge of the string.

TOM - That’s massive.

DICK - Well thank you Tom.

TOM - I’ll tie this round here and loop over there, thread that bit through loop A connect this strand with loop B and there we have it.  A poo cradle.  An invention by yours truly.

DICK - That’s quite cute actually.  You got hold of the other end of the string.

TOM - Other end of the string.  Check.

DICK - Don’t start all that again.  We got everything.

TOM - Everything.  Check.

DICK - Let’s do it Tom.  Right poo first - Don’t!  Don’t!  Don’t!  Don’t! let go of the string.  Then you.  Then me.

TOM - How you gonna flush yourself?

DICK - I’m one step ahead there.  See, I’ve added extra string to the bog chain.  It’ll be like a suicide flush.  Right.  Let’s do it.  Poo …


DICK - Flushed.  You got hold of the string Tom.

TOM - Yeah! Yeah!

DICK - Jump in and …


Here …


goes … gurgle gurgle
Right, so this is the sewer is it?

TOM - This is it Dick.  The start of our awfully big bad adventure  What do you think?

DICK - Not quite silver service is it?  Deodorant Tom.  Give me the deodorant quick.

TOM - You seen a girly?

DICK - Nah!  I’m gonna spray some up me nose.  It’s fucking minging down here.

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ok son get in the back of that banana will yer but I said to him I said I don’t wear bowler hats and if I did it ain’t illegal I ain’t nicking yer for wearing bowler hats son he said you heard about the wheels on the bus no I said I ain’t nicked no wheels oh no son they ain’t been stolen but they do go round and round and that’s your fault we’ve got forensic evidence and everything you’re banged to rights but I only wanted an orange although I don’t much care for the colour so I said to woman do these oranges come in any other colour only orange she said in that case I’ll have a pound of sausages and some Russian fruit gums but I made the schoolboy error of being a swordfish I ain’t serving no swordfish darling sorry she says  I wasn’t a swordfish this morning don’t matter there’s a sign on the door no swordfish except blind swordfish so I started stumbling knocking things over I’m blind I’m blind …    

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DICK - Shit!  Thanks Tom.

TOM - My pleasure.  Always carry yer Acme pocket frying pan everywhere you go.  That’s what you always taught me.

DICK - Get the torch out Tom and let’s get after that poo.  It is well fucking minging down here though ain’t it!

TOM - Come on Dick.  Where’s your sense of adventure.

DICK - I wish I had left me sense of smell behind on the kitchen table.  Is this it though?

TOM - What do yer mean?

DICK - Well you know, tunnels and stuff.  Is this it?

TOM - Well, yeah.  I suppose.

DICK - What no shops or pubs?

TOM - Nah!

DICK - You sure?  Where’s our Ladybird book of sewers?

TOM - Look!  Ahead, it gets wider and there’s some steps and stuff.  We’ll have a breather there and consult the book.

DICK - Gimme that torch for sec.

TOM - What is it?

DICK - Deodorant Tom.

TOM - No!  No!  No!  Deffo not again.  It says quite clearly: ‘Do Not Inhale Aerosol’.

DICK - Really!  I thought it said: ‘Do Not Inhale Arsehole’ which seemed sensible advice to me.  But don’t worry Tom.  Let’s play I-spy.  I-spy with my little eye something beginning with G.

TOM - Girly?

DICK - Yes Tom.  Deodorant.  Quick!

TOM - Isn’t that …

DICK - Let me see.  I think you’re right Tom.  That is!

TOM - You sure?

DICK - Positive Tom.  We are about to have lunch with Helena Bonkers Carter.

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DICK - Excuse me Miss, but ain’t you …


DICK - I told you Tom, it is her, it’s Miss Helena Bonkers Carter.  I’m Dick, the good looking one and member of the Poem Council of Great Britain and Albion, and this is Tom, he smells a bit eggy and he’s an annoying little twat that likes counting but he means well.  Sometimes.  But he is the bestest fun to hit.

TOM - Hello Miss Helena.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Hi Tom and you too Dick, member of the Poem Council of Great Britain and Albion, which all sounds rather impressive.

DICK - It’s ‘cos I’m a poem genius.  I haven’t got my membership number yet, it must be in the post of something, but I did phone the Council up and ask what my poet’s rating was, but they haven’t quite worked that out yet.  The lady said the best she could say, at this moment in time, was that I was ranked in the top ten million.  And look at this Tom.  Fuck-ing-hell, she’s got silver candlesticks and a china tea pot and cakes, and chocolate cakes.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - I’m having a picnic.  Do want to join me?


HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Would you like a cup of tea?

TOM - Yes please Miss Helena.
DICK - Yes please Miss Helena.


TOM - Yes please Miss Helena.
DICK - Yes please Miss Helena.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Timmy, that’s Tim really, but I call him Timmy made the sandwiches and cut them into Gothic shapes.  Sweet don’t you think?  Look, this salad and pickle sandwich has been modelled on a Gothic arch from Norwich Cathedral.  Detail you see.

DICK - So why are you having a picnic down here Miss Helena?

TOM - Yeah, we thought you might have been some kind of sewer mermaid or something.

DICK - Like a turdmaid.


TOM - That’s before we knew it was you.

DICK - This is a pukka posh picnic and everything but why here?

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Don’t know really.  I just thought I would like to go somewhere I hadn’t been.  So how come you boys are down here?

DICK - We’re investigating.

TOM - ‘Cos we’re investigators.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Really!  How exciting.

DICK - Yeah!  We’re investigating where our poo goes.

TOM - I’ve got one of our poos, well one of Dick’s actually, on the end of this piece of string.


DICK - Yeah!  It’s massive it is.  Been pulling on the lead all the way here.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - But don’t you know where it goes?  Don’t you know that it goes to the sewage works?

DICK - Eh?
TOM - Eh?

DICK - What happens there?

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - It gets treated.

TOM - What like given a present?

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - No they take the smell out of it and make it into something.  Maybe cheese.  I think it gets made into cheese.

TOM - I’m going off cheese.

DICK - Yeah but Tom, this means we’ve finished our investigation ‘cos we know what happens to poo now, and we can pad the report out with all sorts stuff like the legend of when the two old ladies got stuck in the lavatory, and how the original poo sticks were really floaters.  Job done.  Let the string go Tom, set the poo free, and let’s really enjoy this brilliant picnic.

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Come on Tom.  Have another sandwich.

TOM - Thank you Miss Helena.  What is it?

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - Ch … Stil and ton.

TOM - Eh?

HELENA BONKERS CARTER - It’s a delicious treat cows make.

DICK - They’re clever ain’t they.  Cows  Can I have one please Miss Helena?

TOM - Cows is brill.

DICK - You’ve never seen a cow Tom.

TOM - Ain’t I?

DICK - Nah!

TOM - What about when we was getting more Coco Pops we see that little furry thing with a leg on each corner stick one of it’s back legs up and water a lamppost?

DICK - You know that was a dog. You’ve seen plenty of dogs.

TOM - Yeah but it’s stupid ain’t it. I mean everyone knows lampposts don’t grow.

DICK - It was a pissing dog!

TOM - Yeah I know. You’ve already said it was a dog, Mr Shouty-sweary. Anyway I’ve seen a moving photo of a cow, or was it a photo of a moving cow?

DICK - No Tom, that was a picture drawn by a four year old girl.

TOM - But it moved.

DICK - No Tom, that was hallucinogenic drugs I put in yer milkshake.

©2007 Dick and Tom  First published 2009 by the Clueless Collective