Saturday, 10 October 2015

DICK – Here’s another offering from Amy.

TOM – I’m surprised you like this, I mean you can’t even reach the chain after you’ve had a poo.

DICK – I can so reach it.

TOM – Then why don’t you?

DICK – Can’t be arsed. Too much effort. Besides, that’s what Toms are for.

TOM – A Tom is for life, not just for Christmas you know.

DICK – Don’t I just fucking know it.

Friday, 11 September 2015

TOM – We’ve been on holibobs. We went to the seaside.

DICK – I buried Tom in the sand.

TOM – I got sand in me mouth and in me nose and in me ears and up me bum.

DICK – I threw Tom off the pier and into the sea.

TOM – It washed away the sand.

DICK – Who knew Tom could swim?

TOM – We built sand castles and ate fish and chips with ice cream for afters.

DICK – I drunk a whole bottle of sun block.

TOM – It made you spew.

DICK – It did indeed Tom.

TOM – You threw up all over me.

DICK – I had to Tom. It’s the law.

TOM – But all’s well that ends well, ‘cos there’s always Amy.

DICK – Yep, there’s always Amy, and the adventures of her poo, and the secrets of her toilet.

TOM – God bless Amy’s poo and loo.

DICK – Amen.

The Toilet Would Not Stop Running

I went to the hardware store, 
and the man behind the customer
service counter said I needed
a new flapper, sent me down
the appropriate aisle.  I went home, 
followed the surprisingly easy
instruction, replaced the flapper myself.

Two days later, the toilet was still
occasionally running.  Back
to the hardware store I went.
Another man behind the customer
service counter said I probably need
to replace the ball cock as well.
That was my line in the sand.
I told the man that the only way
these hands would be removing 
a ball cock would be if I caught it
cheating on me.

He laughed as he wrote down
the number of a local plumber.
I thanked him, and walked
out the door.

A.J. Huffman has published eleven solo chapbooks and one joint chapbook through various small presses. Her new poetry collections, Another Blood Jet (Eldritch Press) and A Few Bullets Short of Home (mgv2>publishing) are now available from their respective publishers.   She has two additional poetry collections forthcoming: Degeneration from Pink Girl Ink, and A Bizarre Burning of Bees from Transcendent Zero Press.  She is a three-time Pushcart Prize nominee, and has published over 2200 poems in various national and international journals, including Labletter, The James Dickey Review, Bone Orchard, EgoPHobia, and Kritya. She is also the founding editor of Kind of a Hurricane Press.  

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

DICK - This book looks very interesting, Tom.
TOM - What’s that then?

DICK - Things to do when yer having a dump.

TOM - Fascinating, I’m sure. What’s that saying Cath says to us?

DICK - Fuck off?

TOM - Nah! Not that one.

DICK - Fuck off you pair of cartoon cunts?

TOM - Sounds familiar but that ain’t the one I’m thinking of.

DICK - Dunno then.

TOM - Don’t matter. As long as it keeps yer quiet, you get it.

Thursday, 5 March 2015

DICK - Tom, this poo book makes other poo books look like a pile of shite.

TOM - I'll take yer word for it.

DICK - Education. Education. Defecation. 

Small and stinky like a good book should be.